I can tribute stuff when Vicodin is present

I've been told the wonders of Vicodin recently. Kelsy told me that she was on it because she had her wisdoms yanked out like a fat kid on a leash who realized "CAAAAAKE!!!" and then ran like hell. That's pretty much what happens when they yank yer teeth. It's an epic disaster. Like, take the bombing of Hiro Shima. It doesn't even reach the pain of yanking teeth.

And that's why Vicodin was invented, to prevent future Japanese bombings aka teeth pulling from hurting.

Yeah.

If I ever take Vicodin, I'm imagining a world full of spirals and Charlie Sheen with his bi-winning. I WILL BE BI-WINNING. I also can see the transformation of a simple Chevy Cavalier to Optimus Prime Infinite Edition with super lazorz and Palmsy McFisty-Steve hands pushing you off a cliff so you can die while numbed. Nothing would happen because Vicodin has made you immortal. Therefore, you cannot die. Disregard the dying statement because I was lying the whole time.

I like Journey.

Another scene I imagine is me simply dancing and rocking out to Deadmau5's At Play Vol. 2, but because of the wonders of glorious Vicodin type 2-A (which doesn't exist as far as I know, but I'm bi-winning so it doesn't even matter), I'm actually prancing in a field full of daisies and thistles while wearing clown shoes and my graduation gown. It's also raining fire and various amphibians. During the onslaught of constant rain, which is completely normal because this shit happens on a daily basis, I set up a fire with two pedestals that contain a gas tube to feed a flame. On these pedestals, I place two finely grown rabbits to sacrifice and summon the ocean god Ktulu.

Yeah this is completely normal, and you should have no thoughts of me being mentally unstable.

My sophomore year murdered everyone

I had Rhet & Comp with Mr. Hagemann, and he assigned journals for us to write everyday for 10 minutes before we actually started class. He said to either put "Please read" or "Please don't read" at the top of each page so he knows not to read them if they are personal or whatever.

That was his first mistake.

He should've known that I had an explosive mind.

Let's just discuss a few I remember, shall we?

I talked a lot about boobs. I don't know why, but I did, and they were all great journals.

Most of the journals incorporated a lot of random topics that shouldn't go together, like "Man, this one chick has a nice ass. I wanna shit on Mr. Boyer's desk because he was a dick."

None of it made sense, but it brought lulz. And I was able to vent about things.

Also at the time, I was dating some stupid bitch who turned me into a tool. Needless to say, I have journals about depressing events with that, too. They were also random and dumb. And stupid.

"I bet if I died right now, she wouldn't care. I like boobs."

"She's better off dating someone who cares more than I do apparently. Mr. Hagemann is the best teacher ever."

I also recall a journal that went something like this...

"I'm so bored. I'm so bored. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire. Asses of fire....etc."

I was a terrible person my sophomore year, but I look back and laughed at my obsession with dirty journals that would make newborn fetuses cry. I am proud of my work.

Too bad I threw them all away so no one would see how terrible I was ._.

Jake.gif

I've recently discovered how to make gif animations, and I am damn proud of it. So far, I'm doing basic stuff just to get the feel for it, but soon, I will be making Godlike gifs that don't even. Here's the two I've made so far with credit going towards whoever took time to cut out Silent Magician lvl 4 and Deadmau5 for his helmet.

Nevermind on the mau5 helmet. Stupid shit ain't working for some stupid reason. Fuck.
I guess you could go check it out on my Tumblr. It's just kinda there somewhere.

At least enjoy my basic Silent Magician gif. It makes me happy in the pants.

Ignore that.

I guess the only good news I have is that I'm going to college and whatever.

God this post sucks ass...

Why plungers prove to be useful

Plungers are known to unclog your toilet when a family member/friend/dinosaur takes such a large shit that your toilet rejects the massive waste and decides that it isn't gonna flush.

Everyone knows you don't buy plungers for that reason! Silly people...

Plungers make great craft ideas!

Like so...

My Adv. Lit teacher found this in his room. We don't know who did it, but that person deserves mad respect for such a feat.

By the way, if you've read Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut, you'd know what that atrocity is in my picture.

It is known as a Tralfamadorian, for those who do not know. One is described as having a body shaped like a toilet plunger with a hand on top and an eye in the palm. Genius, no?

Someone made this, and now I must find this person and shake his/her/it's hand. I am going to make one as soon as possible. It will grace my room with such mad awesome and other forms of sexual activity.

A man and his mau5

If y'all didn't know, I've been an emotional roller coaster for the past who the fuck cares. It's been a constant "Oh hey, I can't sleep, so it's going to be until 2 before I feel remotely tired. Also, there will be crying and shit."

Last night was different, however...

I enjoy some Deadmau5 at night. The bass is amazing. I have giant headphones, like these...









Actually, that's the exact pair I have, and they're damn sexy and produce nice bass. All his bass are belong to me. Anyways, I also have a 120 gig iPod classic that decided that it wasn't going to playback stuff in the right headphone, so I was all "Grrr rage"

My only source of mp3 playback is my old LG Chocolate Touch that's muffed in the screen, so the touch is off, but it gets the job done.

Also, my only way (so far) of getting my music on it is through Windows Media Player which, for some stupid fucked up reason, runs my CPU usage to "100%", which is bullshit because that isn't possible. With that said, my computer projects a digital middle finger to my entire being and decides it's going to be slow as Life Alert.

It was going to take more than that to keep a man from his mau5.

With many anger, tired, and angst, I finally managed to upload some mau5 onto said phone which took TOO DAMN LONG and decided that it was time for bed. Looking at the clock, it was 2:00. Yay. One night without pain and agony. And pain.

It was finally 3rd hour in school, and it was study hall. I wanted my mau5, and nothing was stopping me. I fucking listened to some mau5 and enjoyed the hell out of it. I felt proud, and it was as if I was achieving something more than I was actually achieving.

While listening to said mau5, I read some hyperbole and a half, and it was lulz. By the way, go follow her. Now. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

She goes by the name of Allie Brosh, and she is Jesus.

Now that I'm back to my topic, today was quite the good because of the mau5 and his beats that cause mass pregnancies in many 3rd world countries. I recommend his At Play Vol. 2. It is rave.

And that's why my life is slowly but surely steering back into the right direction.

I am mortal and going to die

This weekend has proved a few things. One of them is how people enjoy wearing gray hoodies at night and walking on the side of the road within nicking distance of a car. If it wasn't for Joe yelling "DUDE! LOOK OUT!" there would've been a human nachos bell grande splattered all over the side of my car.

This also explained why people smoke and inhale.

Let me explain.

I smoke cigars, but I've always puffed them because inhaling was an impossibility for me. If I even attempted to inhale, a Mt. Saint Helens of coughing and dying would erupt out of my lungs and cause me to leak tears of pain from it. Needless to say, I stayed with puffing.

But recently, I've been trying because it's awesome of some sort.

And since last night, I now understand the relaxation tobacco gives. After almost hitting two Mexicans with my car, the stress levels skyrocketed. I've always felt relaxed because the cigars I smoke are usually grape, and the scent sends me to a world of relaxation and Ozzy Osbourne, but since I've adapted to inhaling, it gives me a Buzz Lightyear of awesome and achievement of something more than I'm actually achieving.

Luckily, I'm smart enough to not inhale all the time. I just do it because I can. Poor reasoning, I know, but at least I'm 18 and DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

Also, I found it fun to play Hell's Bells by AC/DC in the church building yesterday with Joe, and go figure one of the members told me not to play anything AC/DC, Ozzy, etc. So, being me, I start playing Let There Be Rock by AC/DC because I'm a smartass, and I don't give a shit. Everyone judges me anyways. They think I'm a "bad kid" who drinks and smokes pot and whatever. I've never done any of that. I've never tried drugs. I smoke cigars. That's it.

But oh well. I try to be a good person. Sorta.

Left 4 Blog

Once again I find myself sitting in Deven's basement having a jolly good time. These are the days I treasure the most. Just Scott, Deven, Buttney, 38 illegal immigrants, an Alot, and of course, I, are sitting in a kidney-shaped (kinda?) furniture clusterfuck. Right now, the old memories of Left 4 Dead are returning, and boy do I miss that game.

How could I forget the shitty AI system, zombies pumped with bullets yet still slapping you, and poor level design?

I'll also throw in shitty dialog and glitches. It's a fun time. For example:

Zoey: "Weapons here. Wea-wea-weapons here weapons here wea-wea-weapons here."

Me: "I HEARD YOU YOU STUPID BITCH THERE'S SOME DAMN WEAPONS SOMEWHERE IN THE AREA. GAWD!"

The game was meant to have fun, and I love that game and it's ways to have fun, but I DON'T GIVE A FU-

Actually I do give a fu-

Regardless of minor glitches, Left 4 Dead will always be a favorite game of mine.

Of course the game WILL kill you in various ways JUST to make sure you aren't superior to the AI system.

EVEN THOUGH A FECES-THROWING MONKEY BITCH IS BETTER THAN THE AI.

BLAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHGHJFJIEOWVJKL I think this post has been killed. I'm gonna try and play some L4D.

The little achievements I make nightly

I have a paper due: rough draft due Friday, final draft due Wednesday. Needless to say, I'm probably gonna fail the class. Guess who got some done today?

Not me.

Lately, I've been achieving nothing at night except for posting shit on Tumblr and Facebook. So far for at least two weeks, I've been staying up until like 2 almost in tears over Bre. Some of those nights were terrible. But lately, I've been feeling a sense of achievement in every other class. Adv. Lit can lick my sac. And I actually feel like I can go to bed at a reasonable hour without petty, unmanly tears. All I have to think about is Tifa from FFVII and how fucking hot she is.

I could also listen to Phil Collins, Lady GaGa, Stone Sour, Tool, and other awesome.

Yeah I think I'll do that from now on.

Here's an example of how I achieve nothing:

"I think I'll do some pages for Adv. Lit! YEAH! I'M ON TOP OF THE FUCKING WORLD!!!"

*sees Facebook tab*
*sees Tumblr tab*
*sees electric bass*

Nothing gets done after that.

I might have ADD. I'm not sure. Waffles sound pretty good right now.

I'm making chicken nuggets and they're FUCKING GREAT.

I think this post just might be done tonight.

I'll end with some cyber tits ( . Y . )

Life is Pam

That's right, folks. Life is so very Pam.

For those of you who don't know Pam, she's the greatest cook I work with. Ever.

She gives great advice. Anything that upsets me pisses her off. She cares for her workers. I told her what was bothering me lately, and some of the things she said was...

"She don't know what she wants. She just used you to try and make her ex boyfriend jealous."
"If you EVER take her back I'll kick your ass!"
"You don't deserve to be treated like that. You're a good guy, and she treated you like shit."

My self esteem grew a bit after the motivation of Pam herself. I mean, I didn't exactly agree to EVERYTHING she said, but most of it sounded right to me.

On that note, WORK WAS SO FUCKING TERRIBLE AND BUSY IT WAS BLAH.

ADV. LIT ISN'T HELPING BECAUSE DR. DAVY P. IN THE HOUSE REJECTS MY OUTLINE GAWD.

IT'S HOT AS PISS OUT HERE IN BUTTFUCK, EGYPT.

I NEED MOUNTAIN DEW!!!

Anyways...this post is not very entertaining tonight. I must drown out the world with Phil Collins and other soothing artists, like Slayer and Children of Bodom, in order to achieve awesome again. IF I ever had it in the first place.

I cannot do simple things, like writing

Alright, so I wrote a bit of my paper. It's aight.

I can't really concentrate at the moment. There's this thing about Phil Collins that won't let me write at the very instant. I must take time to enjoy his glorious man-voice and slowly fondle myself to the beat of the drums.

Ignore what I just said.

Anyways, I'm also distracted at finding out that I WAS a tool. Just someone to fill the void. Fuck. Out of all people, this WOULD happen to me. Oh well. I have to get over things.

Like my dad said: "The more you learn about women, the more you enjoy your car and your bass."

He's so fucking right. I played my bass with distortion and just went with the music. I have never felt better.

Now I end up on this post, telling all of you about it. Ain't it grand?

But oh well.

OH. OH.

Also, it's my friend Kelsy's birthday today, and I want anyone who reads it to give a shout. And I'm being serious. You don't even have to tell her. Just shout right where you are at. She's probably the most kickass girl you'll ever meet. She's like one of my best friends, and I'm glad I met her.

Welp, that's about it for tonight. Hope you all have such a good FUCKING SLEEP AND HAVE DREAMS ABOUT ROCKY BALBOA SHOVING HIS MAN MEAT UP YOUR ASS AND...

I'm done.

Adv. Lit is the purest definition of chaos evar

Yeah. I really need to start working on my term paper. I also need to find a way to write 2500 words on how Hemingway uses the marlin in "The Old Man and the Sea" as a SLIGHT symbol, not a whole fucking symbol-whore of an animal. Some authors do intend for certain characters/items to be completely symbolical. THIS AIN'T IT.

I'm coming up with a playlist of calming/awesome/thought inducing songs to make myself travel in the vast, deserted thinking my brain tends to spew out.

I also need this music for many reasons. I need to get over this breakup. Now. Before it eats me alive. And stuff.

I'm realize others can do so much more than I can and obviously care so much more. I guess I could be the fall-back guy.

IT'S ALSO GREAT TO FUCKING IGNORE ME AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I DON'T EXIST. YES, I'M A PIECE OF SHIT. WHY CAN'T YOU TELL THAT TO MY FACE? GODDDDDDD

I guess I was just a tool to satisfy the empty void you had.

WOOPS did I just say THAT out loud!

Anyways...sorry...I must be working on my paper.

Just remember...you're a wreck. An accident. Forget the freak, you're just nature.


I love Corey Taylor's monologues. 

There's a difference?!

Apparently so.

My friend Deven has informed me that "fucking" and "making love" are two different things. Let me explain:

"Fucking" is defined as "thrusting forcefully," as in wrecking any girl's innocence within two seconds of intercourse.

"Making love" is defined as "taking it slowly and being gentle," as in handling a newborn kitten; you can't just go hard. Either go cute or go home.

Let me explain how we got on this topic:

We're watching Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, and the scene with Tifa comes on. Well, the first comment I make, since you know, I'm a guy, is "Dude, she's hot as fuck."

I'm allowed to make unnecessary comments about Final Fantasy chicks, aight?

And Deven is all "Yeah, Scott said that for the longest time."

Then I start remembering Yuna, Rikku, and Paine from Final Fantasy X-2. Yuna and Rikku defined what super-fantasy-hot-shit was. Paine was rather....the dud of the game. 'nuf said.

Then I mentioned the fact that if I was in the game, I would destroy Yuna.

Then he made the comment of "You can't just fuck her, dude, you would have to make love first."

What?

So yeah, there's a difference. It's good to know I guess.

And I'm showing extreme disrespect towards fantasy chicks, not actual girls in real life. Then again, I'm probably an asshole, according to every female who isn't close to me.

I think it's time to end this post now.

YAY FIRST ACTUAL POST AND SHIT

You want Asian food right now.

If you believe this statement and actually want Asian food, you might consider that statement to be a disease because of how easy it is to catch it.

YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG.

There's nothing wrong with Asian food. There's nothing disease-like about it. Diseases are bad, and by saying that my statement is a disease, you're bringing a negative connotation to it.

I DON'T DESERVE THAT SHIT

Think of it as a "pleasant plague." See? By adding the word "pleasant," it appears as if you wanting Asian food due to me saying it is a good thing. Disregard plague, acquire Asian food.

I mean, you could refer to the impulse of wanting Asian food due to my statement as "wonderful warts."

Actually, scratch that. Never refer to that as "wonderful warts." Ever.




Ever.



Dammit...I want Asian food now....

YAY NEW BLOG AND SHIT :D:D:D:D:D

Yeah, I've been encouraged to create one because people will obviously kill several infants JUST to read my interesting stories and whatever. It's a good thing I've got too much time on my hands. Otherwise...nah I'd probably still have a blog.

Well, there's not much to say right now. I must go promote the hell out of this now so people will actually take in the idea that I EXIST AND SAY GREAT THINGS!!! and stuff.