I need to leave

I'm starting to realize the source of my depression. I'm starting to realize what I truly need.

I need to get the fuck out of here.

I hate being here. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm one of those guys who actually considers the thoughts of others in a serious matter, stays up really late JUST to get a few laughs out of Tumblr, has a child's card game as his hobby, and is a huge video game geek. Nobody wants that here, so I need to leave. Soon.

Once college is done, I'm saving up money and leaving as soon as fucking possible. Yeah, some will actually miss me, but I really need to consider what's best for me. And where I plan on moving?

Heh. It won't be anywhere in Illinois.

I plan on moving fucking far away as possible. Of course I'll keep in touch with people, but I really do feel ever so worthless living here. It's as if I actually don't belong anywhere here at. all.

Of course I'll miss quite a few friends of mine. Will, Cory, Scott, other Scott, Deven, Keenan, and many others. But of course I'd miss Kelsy the most. It's upsetting to realize that I'd be leaving them behind, but it's what I need.

New places, a new life, a new future.

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Why Rock Band 3 was a failure but a success for those who actually understand the concept of instrument peripherals.

The Rock Band and Guitar Hero series were made for many things, but the main thing they strive for in these games is simple: fun.

People have fun when they use plastic instruments to hit notes on a scrolling board. They don't need musical talent to complete a song on Guitar Hero. Just rhythm.

But those who do have musical talent cannot hold in their bitching about such music games. They want so much more than colorful buttons and a simple 4 pad 1 kick set.

They want real instruments. This was the downfall of Harmonix.

Rock Band may have been a rip-off of Guitar Hero, but they did a few things right. They made it more of a party game. Of course, Guitar Hero 5 was a better party game, but this isn't about that. Rock Band introduced drums as well as vocals. Vocals have always been around, but it was never integrated in a rock-based game. Rock Band could support up to 4 players. What better way to define "party game" than to do just that. But let's move on...

Rock Band 2 kept the same 4 player format, and they introduced a shit ton of new songs. Also, the original Rock Band for Xbox 360 allowed those who owned it to pay a 400 MSP price to rip most of the tracks off the disc and put them on your harddrive. Because of this, the Rock Band 2 library would be massive. Once again, they managed to keep it a party game. But with all good things, something will go wrong.

Rock Band 3 was when the shit hit the fan. Like I said above, those with musical talents bitched about how you couldn't use real instruments in the game. Well guess what, cockmongers? You got what you wanted. You managed to convince Harmonix to make guitar and drum peripherals to suit your needs. But for what? You don't even WANT them anymore. Harmonix made your instruments and now you don't even want them. The lesson here is that video game companies should only take advice from gamers who actually make sense. Harmonix should have stayed with their original concept: plastic instruments that aren't real instruments. Even if some gamers want playable instruments to use in the game and they bitch about not having them, they still buy the plastic ones because they have no choice. If they truly wanted something more complex and exciting, they wouldn't have bought the first peripherals at all. But it's already said and done. Harmonix is now losing money because they listened to all the gamers with chodes in just about every hole in their bodies. What could have been a decent, well-sold game turned into a disaster. Good job Harmonix for listening to the retards of the gaming world.

Good. Fucking. Job.

And good job for those who aren't satisfied with plastic controllers. If you want real instruments sooooo badly, why don't you learn the actual instrument and start a real band? Yeah, I play Rock Band more than I should, but I actually can play electric bass and drums. Also, I'm in a band. And I don't bitch about how unrealistic a video game is. That's why it's a video game. Derp.

Thunder only happens when it's raining

Song I'm listening to: Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
Current Feelings: a mixture of awesome because of bros and depression because I keep feeling this way for some shitty reason

I have some of the most fucked up dreams. Seriously. Shit gets real when I close my eyes.

I once fell asleep in study hall. Now, mind you, no one falls asleep in study hall (sarcasm.....), so this was a big thing. I recall me having an adventure in the Road Ranger play place. That was a fun experience.

I once dreamed that I hung myself.

I dreamed that I did it again.

I'm always late for work in my dreams. Yet I'm always on time in the real world.

I'm always late for class because I get caught up in the Rochelle high school gift shop.

Back in the apartment in Creston, I had various dreams of me living in an igloo.

Whenever I have a girlfriend in my dreams, we're always happy together. Everything is awesome and shit. Needless to say, the opposite happens in real life. Except that I'm forever alone. So I can't really say the opposite happens. Because I've actually been happy with 2 of the 3 girls I've dated.

I've killed people in my dreams. They were happy moments.

And yeah, that's about all I can remember. Not much excitement here.

My depressing post (again...I think)

Life is stupid. Let's put it that way. People live their happy fucking lives because it's almost like everything is handed to them in the simplest way possible. For some, life doesn't go on. Let me explain.

People claim that everyone has a purpose and that they will benefit society somehow, someway. Others also believe that everything happens for a reason. Damn right they do.

This is why suicide exists. Those who end up killing themselves obviously had no point in being here. At all. If they were meant to be here, something would fail, and they would be here doing something.

I'm in that stage of life. I hate most things. It's almost like I'm never happy. I try and find things that give bits of joy, but for what? So I can wake up the next day and be pissed off? No. It's stupid.

Basically, there's one thing keeping me alive, and I'll get to that point soon, but for now, time for ranting and shooting flames of fire and ice out my ass.

I've tried killing myself...with a baseball bat. That obviously didn't work. And I had to get help. Which didn't help. At all. I still sit here wondering when I'll finally just go out and shoot myself or something. These past few days I've been seriously considering to just end it all. I hate living with stupid emotional bullshit constantly running through my mind. I hate it. My friends always tell me "Just take your mind off things and it'll help." Ok, so I do, and they come right back like Jon Lajoie having lots and lots of sex with girls and shooting people down because he's a boy on the hood. It's as if something keeps me from trying to kill myself daily, and this point is true. I choose to stay alive because I know there's that one person I can talk to. About anything. I can't do that with other people. Because then they'll go through this speech about how life gets better. For some, it doesn't. And I have this odd feeling that I'll try my best to succeed, but life will t-bag me right in the face. Sure, there is life past the asscheeks. For some. And at this age, I can't judge what's going to happen, but that's the point: I can't judge what's going to happen. Will I end up succeeding? Will I fail? Who knows.

What I fear the most is being alone. I don't wanna live by myself. I want to live and succeed with someone by my side. Someone I love and care for. Someone I can just sit under the stars with and snuggle and whatever. Someone I can sit there and have a Magic duel with and be perfectly fine with it. And if people judge us? We'll kick them in the faces with our fists. We would enjoy ourselves without the consent of others.

But back on that point about my best friend...I choose to live because I know I can bitch about my family with her, tell her anything, because I know she doesn't judge me, and I don't judge her. We accept who we are, and because of that, I know I won't have to bottle up stuff and end up being an emotion wreck of a man/boy/robot. Yes, I'm a cyborg. And when we hang out, it's awesome. Anything from just sitting and talking to having a bro fest means the world to me. I can't get that kind of happiness from anyone else I know. The only time I'm truly happy is when I'm able to have that friend time with her because I know anything we do stays in my memory and gets stored in my happy bank. I HAVE A HAPPY BANK. IT'S KIND OF EMPTY. Yes, I love my friends, and we have good times, but sometimes, that doesn't help me.

My best friend is the reason I can live better because I can tell her everything. I'm still here because I know you'll miss me, and I can't let that happen.