Life is stupid. Let's put it that way. People live their happy fucking lives because it's almost like everything is handed to them in the simplest way possible. For some, life doesn't go on. Let me explain.
People claim that everyone has a purpose and that they will benefit society somehow, someway. Others also believe that everything happens for a reason. Damn right they do.
This is why suicide exists. Those who end up killing themselves obviously had no point in being here. At all. If they were meant to be here, something would fail, and they would be here doing something.
I'm in that stage of life. I hate most things. It's almost like I'm never happy. I try and find things that give bits of joy, but for what? So I can wake up the next day and be pissed off? No. It's stupid.
Basically, there's one thing keeping me alive, and I'll get to that point soon, but for now, time for ranting and shooting flames of fire and ice out my ass.
I've tried killing myself...with a baseball bat. That obviously didn't work. And I had to get help. Which didn't help. At all. I still sit here wondering when I'll finally just go out and shoot myself or something. These past few days I've been seriously considering to just end it all. I hate living with stupid emotional bullshit constantly running through my mind. I hate it. My friends always tell me "Just take your mind off things and it'll help." Ok, so I do, and they come right back like Jon Lajoie having lots and lots of sex with girls and shooting people down because he's a boy on the hood. It's as if something keeps me from trying to kill myself daily, and this point is true. I choose to stay alive because I know there's that one person I can talk to. About anything. I can't do that with other people. Because then they'll go through this speech about how life gets better. For some, it doesn't. And I have this odd feeling that I'll try my best to succeed, but life will t-bag me right in the face. Sure, there is life past the asscheeks. For some. And at this age, I can't judge what's going to happen, but that's the point: I can't judge what's going to happen. Will I end up succeeding? Will I fail? Who knows.
What I fear the most is being alone. I don't wanna live by myself. I want to live and succeed with someone by my side. Someone I love and care for. Someone I can just sit under the stars with and snuggle and whatever. Someone I can sit there and have a Magic duel with and be perfectly fine with it. And if people judge us? We'll kick them in the faces with our fists. We would enjoy ourselves without the consent of others.
But back on that point about my best friend...I choose to live because I know I can bitch about my family with her, tell her anything, because I know she doesn't judge me, and I don't judge her. We accept who we are, and because of that, I know I won't have to bottle up stuff and end up being an emotion wreck of a man/boy/robot. Yes, I'm a cyborg. And when we hang out, it's awesome. Anything from just sitting and talking to having a bro fest means the world to me. I can't get that kind of happiness from anyone else I know. The only time I'm truly happy is when I'm able to have that friend time with her because I know anything we do stays in my memory and gets stored in my happy bank. I HAVE A HAPPY BANK. IT'S KIND OF EMPTY. Yes, I love my friends, and we have good times, but sometimes, that doesn't help me.
My best friend is the reason I can live better because I can tell her everything. I'm still here because I know you'll miss me, and I can't let that happen.
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